This morning I sat, at the computer, juggling coffee, and keyboarding, while I contemplated the subject of my weekly blog. I noticed an email from a long lost acquaintance. She happened to be online so we performed the “friending” ceremony and brought each other up to date. Suddenly, I noticed that my home page was filled with fear-based dogma from her sacred book. I found myself experiencing anger and questioning things I held dear. For example; how do I convince someone that their spiritual truth is not the only spiritual truth; while allowing both of us to retain our dignity and remain friends? Immediately, I realized that trying to convert someone to having an attitude of openness, was actually a form of proselytizing.
Then it hit me. This is a test. This is a test. In recent weeks, I have been faced with trying and difficult situations/people, as never before. I could lose my temper, talk shizz about them behind their back, or, I could resort to my usual well spoken snobbery; full of pity quotations, statistics and patronizing. I chose a different option on each occasion; none of which, was helpful. And recently, I have been asking myself, what is the lesson?
Clearly, it's about choosing to respond, instead of just reacting.
So how does one "manage" an angry assault, or things that open old wounds? How do we deal with the myriad of stuff, that sends our pet peeves into orbit? As I mulled this over, a window popped up that said "Miss U". I was being contacted by someone wanting to “do coffee” with me the following morning. She, like the newly-friended person on my networking site was a devotee of the same kind. One would never know that by looking at her home page. She lives a life that is joyous and genuine. She does not judge, or feel compelled to broadcast daily warnings of end times. She values much of what I have to say, and is amazed at the insight I bring into our conversations. I am equally amazed at her sense of security in her chosen religion.
I thought about my friend and how my chosen faith is so different from hers. Yet, for the two of us it's a non-issue. We're close and respect each other's beliefs. I wondered why one person made my skin crawl and the other is like a sister. I realized that it’s not always about what’s going on in front of our face, that irritates us. It’s deeper. It’s the threat of deconstructing the carefully built beliefs, methodologies, and the persona that have carried us forth, so far. That’s what bugs us. Someone or something that might cause us to look in the mirror and see a lie.
And of course, this "Aha moment" led to more questions. Do we simply walk away, or do we design a short speech that we can pull out of our pocket at a moment's notice? How can we diffuse the shield of anger, without feeling the flames of the funeral pyre? I thought about times in my life when I was faced with an uncomfortable situation. On some occasions I tooted my own horn, on others I just walked, and times when I was really on my game. What made the difference?
I thought about the things that were going on, (or not) in my life, during those times when I
handled myself with such grace. There was a list. (Interestingly, the things that are on it, form the foundation for my business.) I was taking care of my body. I ate, slept and exercised in proportion to it's needs. This one thing allowed me to be sharp, clear and relaxed, so that I could respond with compassion. I took care with my mind. Every morning I would identify several things that made me feel good, and do one every day. And I devoted care to my spirit by spending a few minutes visualizing things that evoke feelings of warm fuzziness. The short speech in my pocket was a mantra. “I am human, they are human. They are flawed, I am flawed. I am enough, they are enough. My love and compassion is bigger than them and bigger than me.”
These simple acts allowed me to breathe ... deeply.
Suffice it to say, my new daily routine includes the above, and when I encounter a person/situation that presses the red button of anger I will use the following strategy:
- I will ask myself, “Do I want to be right, justified, etc? or do I want to feel good?”
- I will visualize a small puppy or one of the things that generates empathy, joy.
- I will repeat part of my mantra, “My love and compassion is bigger than me and bigger than them.”
- I will listen, really listen for the lesson, (in the situation) or the feelings expressed by the person.
- I will not react, defend or explain. I will respond with love, empathy and compassion.
All emotions are normal, and it’s normal to experience all of them, fully. Even the Dali Lama admits to anger. It's is not something to deny, ignore, or run from. It’s a rock that needs turning over. We need to discover what’s under it. Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh said, "Our attitude is to take care of anger. We don't suppress or hate it, or run away from it. We just breathe gently and cradle our anger in our arms with the utmost tenderness.”
Namaste, Liz
